The Twitter user @ExxtianErin has dramatically increased her follow count within the past few months and it's no wonder why. Unafraid to engage her former Christian allies, she's given a remarkable insight into what it's like to deconvert out of Christianity following a childhood chock full of indoctrination and mental abuse. Now in a pursuit to set her mind free and cope with the struggles that comes with balancing the secularization of her life with maintaining healthy relationships with religious friends and relatives, Erin, who lives in British Columbia, Canada, tells more about her story here.
@GodsNotReal_ : What denomination would you have identified with before you became an "Ex Christian" and what was your upbringing like in that religion?
@ExxtianErin : Before my deconstruction I would have identified as non-denominational evangelical. The church we were attending was fairly seeker sensitive and had an impressive community outreach program and fairly progressive departments such as divorce care and support for recovering addicts. My experience at this church was actually really positive, in part because it was so different than the church(es) I was raised in. My parents were divorced and my Mom was apart of a very charismatic Pentecostal church while my Dad was apart of a very conservative Baptist church.
I spent more time in the Pentecostal church and ultimately their doctrine was what stuck. There was a lot of intense sermons about hell, the rapture, being a lukewarm Christian and A LOT of emphasis on spiritual warfare. Demons were taught as being very real and very dangerous. I started having panic attacks at age 7. By the time I was a teenager “Purity Culture” was in full swing. Being a young woman in that environment has had lasting effects on my self esteem and how I viewed myself.
@GodsNotReal_ : Did you believe in things like a literal Genesis or did you accept things like the age of the earth (~13.5 billion years) and the theory of evolution? What was your education like?
@ExxtianErin : This is one area I still look back and wonder how I managed the cognitive dissonance for so long. My parents are YEC and my church endorsed a very literal interpretation of Genesis. However I was always very curious and LOVED science and attended a public school. I believed that God had somehow used evolution in his creation. I think I compartmentalized this quite a bit as a Christian. At church, it was Adam and Eve; in School it was evolution. I learned early on not to talk about evolution around my family because it almost a swear word. I tried not to think about it too much. I still remember the day during my deconstruction when it finally sunk in that there could not have been a literal Adam and Eve.
@GodsNotReal_ : Tell me more about the day it sunk in that Adam and Eve, as described in Genesis, is biologically impossible. What were those emotions like and with whom did you discuss them?
@ExxtianErin : To explain my emotions that day I’ll need to give some context to why the doctrine of original sin was so relevant for me. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease (an autoimmune disease that affects the digestive system) at 15 years old after been sick for most of my life. I spent a great deal of my childhood and teen years in the hospital, getting testing, taking strong medications with terrible side effects and missing out of normal activities like school and sports. I also struggled with depression as a result. Naturally, I would ask my parents and pastors why god would allow me to suffer so badly. The answer was always the same; we live in a “fallen world” as a result of Adam and eve’s actions in the Garden of Eden. It NEVER seemed fair to me. I was just a kid when I got sick; how could god allow such a painful condition to happen to an innocent child as punishment for someone else’s disobedience? I believed it was true, but I struggled with it. It was during August of 2019 when I realized that no literal Adam and Eve meant NO ORIGINAL SIN, and for me that meant that illness was NOT a punishment. It was a surreal moment, I cried, I felt intense relief and then some anger about what I had been told all these years. The Christian explanation for why I suffered had never brought me anywhere near as much comfort as this moment. I was finally free to accept myself, illness and all, it had nothing to do with sin or guilt and I had nothing to be ashamed about.
@GodsNotReal_ : Did you know any atheists/agnostics or ex-Christians while you still believed in Christianity? What were your interactions with them like?
@ExxtianErin : I didn’t know anyone who identified as an atheist (and still don’t IRL), although one of my brothers identifies as agnostic but still a believer. He was one person I felt safe to talk about my doubts, especially doubts about the Pentecostal denomination, but when my doubts became greater and encompassed questions about god himself I was kind of left to my own devices, that was one question that no one seemed comfortable addressing. I had never met anyone who had left Christianity, I didn’t even think that was possible. I had only known a few people who had switched denominations. I am thankful for the online community where I began to see who atheists really were and not just the caricature of what I was told.
@GodsNotReal_ : Would you be willing to now identify as an "atheist" or are you only willing to say you're an ex-Christian?
@ExxtianErin : Yes I am an Agnostic Atheist; but I most strongly identity with Ex-Christian because that’s what I am in these days of unraveling years and years of indoctrination from that specific belief system. My identity was all tangled up in that label. As I learn to find my own identity I more strongly identify with the term atheist.
@GodsNotReal_ : Do you feel the church or your church family mentally abused you as a child and did you see it that way in heat of the moment or not?
@ExxtianErin : Yes, I do believe that what I experienced was psychologically, spiritually and emotionally abusive. It’s hard to admit that still because I know that a lot of what was done to me was a result of my own parents being victims as well. They strongly believed that they were doing was right. For my Mom anyway, she is aware how some parts of my childhood were extremely hurtful. I think there is some regret for certain parts like teaching me about the rapture at such a young age, and allowing faith healing sessions (including exorcism attempts) regarding my heath problems. I have been doing trauma therapy and it was extremely validating to hear from a professional that what I experienced was a form of abuse. The result of those years of being afraid of rapture was hypervigilence and panic attacks. Being told I had a sinful nature and my illness was a result of a fallen world caused major depression, and lack of self value. One of the unhelpful coping mechanisms I had developed over those years was “dissociation”, so we’re working on that as well and I’m learning how to stay grounded and mindful instead of “checking out”.
@GodsNotReal_ : What are the specific concerns you have with being "partially out" as an ex-Christian?
@ExxtianErin : Early in my deconstruction I saw how much me losing my faith was affecting my loved ones. I had only been open with a few people about my doubts and their reactions were a mix of defensiveness, shock, and worry for my eternal salvation. I think my anger and frustrations of being raised to believe certain things uncritically was coming out in a very non-productive way, so I realized that I needed a better outlet for my frustrations (mainly twitter!) My close friends and Husband know where I am at, and they know they ask me questions. The concerns I have about being completely out as an atheist are closely related to my fear of being ostracized; not literally (thankfully) in my case. Emotional and relational separation is what holds me back. I worry that my very charismatic family will be convinced that I am “deceived by Satan” and will not see me as a person but focus on what they would call “spiritual warfare”. I had expressed my doubts to my Mom once years ago and it really broke her heart. She is so sad as she expressed her desire to have her family be in heaven with her. I’m still not sure if or when I’ll tell her, I really don’t want to cause her pain. We still have a great relationship apart from religion and that’s what I value.
@GodsNotReal_ : Are there any redeeming qualities of your previous church?
@ExxtianErin : The non-denominational church I was attending; yes. The Pentecostal church I grew up in, no. The non-denominational church had a lot of humanistic programs that actually had very little to do with faith. I would say that a lot of their sermons too were also geared towards well-being, compassion and community support. They also did a very good job of properly educating about mental health, addiction and domestic violence. I do think they will continue to be a big part of the community for accessing support, and I think that the more progressive and humanistic they become they will continue to be relevant. The Pentecostal church I grew up in can close in my opinion. I don’t remember anything not being heavily spiritual or anti-scientific. They preached a literal translation of the bible, faith healing rather than professional health care, biblical marriage and submission of women, and pushed abstinence as the only form of safe sex and were anti-LGBTQ+. Thankfully they seem to continue seeing heir numbers drop as people move to more progressive denominations or leave the faith entirely.
@GodsNotReal_ : How do/will you talk about religion when it comes up with your kids?
@ExxtianErin : This has been an interesting challenge for me. I have two young kids, an 8 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. My daughter has had quite a bit of exposure to Christianity. She had been in a christian preschool, attended VBS (Vacation Bible School) and Sunday school. I had decided before I had kids that I did not think it was not ethical to teach a child about the rapture, or hell so thankfully she has not been taught about that at all. I think I am very fortunate that my deconstruction happened around the same time that she really started asking hard questions. In fact, one of her questions triggered my own questioning. I think it was something like “How does Jesus make people? Is it sort of like magic?” She is a very curious little girl and she loves knowing how things work, so it’s actually been a lot of fun discovering things WITH her. I knew the basics of evolution but its been really fun finding cool videos and books that teach her about it. She has asked me a few questions about why Grandma believes in Adam and Eve if it’s not true. I’ve chosen to explain to her that stories are a big part of how humans relate what’s important to them. I’ve also been teaching her age appropriate things like how to think critically. How do we decide whether something is true or not? Does this make sense? Why do you think so-and-so said that? I find asking questions is the best way to help her learn how to think. I’ve also taken the opportunity of living is a culturally diverse region to reflect on the many different beliefs systems that people have from around the world. I plan to teach my son the same things about science, and how to think critically. I think that these skills will empower them whenever they are exposed to different ideologies.
@GodsNotReal_ : What's the one thing that has been the hardest since you left Christianity?
@ExxtianErin : One of the hardest things since leaving Christianity has been wrestling with my anger, and yet needing to keep it secret because I don’t want to upset my family. I think that is a big reason I have not come out to them right yet. I am working on those feelings of being lied to, and having my self-view so affected by what I was taught. I want to be able to live authentically at all times, but I also need to be ready for the backlash, and I know anger won’t help me have productive conversations.
@GodsNotReal_ : In what ways has your life improved since you left Christianity?
@ExxtianErin : In so many ways! I think I am more patient, and empathetic towards other people and I am less judgemental. I appreciate my life more and am able to be mindful. I feel like I am a better Mom now. I feel hopeful about the future rather than dreading the rapture. My self-esteem has changed completely. And I very rarely struggle with anxiety anymore!
@GodsNotReal_ : How do Christians treat you on Twitter, and what are some of the most common questions and arguments they give you?
@ExxtianErin : Most of the interactions I have with Christians on twitter are very typical, full fo vitriol and accusations. They quote bible scriptures and tell me I’m going to hell. They say that I was never a true Christian, or that I was simply raised in the wrong denomination. They say I left because I want to sin. I have had a handful of Christians ask respectful questions but that’s the exception not the rule. Overall, it seems they mostly are regurgitating common apologetics, which I find odd because I heard the same answers while I was deconstructing and didn’t find them satisfactory at all.
@GodsNotReal_ : If a close friend or family member--or even a stranger on Twitter--came to you and admitted having some serious doubts about their religion, how would you respond?
@ExxtianErin : There’s a quote somewhere that goes “Be the person you needed in the beginning”. Most people, when facing doubts, are met with empty platitudes. I would try to be a safe place for the person to talk openly about their doubts without judgement. That is what I needed in the beginning.
Follow me on Twitter: @GodsNotReal_
Like me on Facebook: God is Not Real
Follow Erin on Twitter: @ExxtianErin
@GodsNotReal_ : What denomination would you have identified with before you became an "Ex Christian" and what was your upbringing like in that religion?
@ExxtianErin : Before my deconstruction I would have identified as non-denominational evangelical. The church we were attending was fairly seeker sensitive and had an impressive community outreach program and fairly progressive departments such as divorce care and support for recovering addicts. My experience at this church was actually really positive, in part because it was so different than the church(es) I was raised in. My parents were divorced and my Mom was apart of a very charismatic Pentecostal church while my Dad was apart of a very conservative Baptist church.
I spent more time in the Pentecostal church and ultimately their doctrine was what stuck. There was a lot of intense sermons about hell, the rapture, being a lukewarm Christian and A LOT of emphasis on spiritual warfare. Demons were taught as being very real and very dangerous. I started having panic attacks at age 7. By the time I was a teenager “Purity Culture” was in full swing. Being a young woman in that environment has had lasting effects on my self esteem and how I viewed myself.
@GodsNotReal_ : Did you believe in things like a literal Genesis or did you accept things like the age of the earth (~13.5 billion years) and the theory of evolution? What was your education like?
@ExxtianErin : This is one area I still look back and wonder how I managed the cognitive dissonance for so long. My parents are YEC and my church endorsed a very literal interpretation of Genesis. However I was always very curious and LOVED science and attended a public school. I believed that God had somehow used evolution in his creation. I think I compartmentalized this quite a bit as a Christian. At church, it was Adam and Eve; in School it was evolution. I learned early on not to talk about evolution around my family because it almost a swear word. I tried not to think about it too much. I still remember the day during my deconstruction when it finally sunk in that there could not have been a literal Adam and Eve.
@GodsNotReal_ : Tell me more about the day it sunk in that Adam and Eve, as described in Genesis, is biologically impossible. What were those emotions like and with whom did you discuss them?
@ExxtianErin : To explain my emotions that day I’ll need to give some context to why the doctrine of original sin was so relevant for me. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease (an autoimmune disease that affects the digestive system) at 15 years old after been sick for most of my life. I spent a great deal of my childhood and teen years in the hospital, getting testing, taking strong medications with terrible side effects and missing out of normal activities like school and sports. I also struggled with depression as a result. Naturally, I would ask my parents and pastors why god would allow me to suffer so badly. The answer was always the same; we live in a “fallen world” as a result of Adam and eve’s actions in the Garden of Eden. It NEVER seemed fair to me. I was just a kid when I got sick; how could god allow such a painful condition to happen to an innocent child as punishment for someone else’s disobedience? I believed it was true, but I struggled with it. It was during August of 2019 when I realized that no literal Adam and Eve meant NO ORIGINAL SIN, and for me that meant that illness was NOT a punishment. It was a surreal moment, I cried, I felt intense relief and then some anger about what I had been told all these years. The Christian explanation for why I suffered had never brought me anywhere near as much comfort as this moment. I was finally free to accept myself, illness and all, it had nothing to do with sin or guilt and I had nothing to be ashamed about.
@GodsNotReal_ : Did you know any atheists/agnostics or ex-Christians while you still believed in Christianity? What were your interactions with them like?
@ExxtianErin : I didn’t know anyone who identified as an atheist (and still don’t IRL), although one of my brothers identifies as agnostic but still a believer. He was one person I felt safe to talk about my doubts, especially doubts about the Pentecostal denomination, but when my doubts became greater and encompassed questions about god himself I was kind of left to my own devices, that was one question that no one seemed comfortable addressing. I had never met anyone who had left Christianity, I didn’t even think that was possible. I had only known a few people who had switched denominations. I am thankful for the online community where I began to see who atheists really were and not just the caricature of what I was told.
@GodsNotReal_ : Would you be willing to now identify as an "atheist" or are you only willing to say you're an ex-Christian?
@ExxtianErin : Yes I am an Agnostic Atheist; but I most strongly identity with Ex-Christian because that’s what I am in these days of unraveling years and years of indoctrination from that specific belief system. My identity was all tangled up in that label. As I learn to find my own identity I more strongly identify with the term atheist.
@GodsNotReal_ : Do you feel the church or your church family mentally abused you as a child and did you see it that way in heat of the moment or not?
@ExxtianErin : Yes, I do believe that what I experienced was psychologically, spiritually and emotionally abusive. It’s hard to admit that still because I know that a lot of what was done to me was a result of my own parents being victims as well. They strongly believed that they were doing was right. For my Mom anyway, she is aware how some parts of my childhood were extremely hurtful. I think there is some regret for certain parts like teaching me about the rapture at such a young age, and allowing faith healing sessions (including exorcism attempts) regarding my heath problems. I have been doing trauma therapy and it was extremely validating to hear from a professional that what I experienced was a form of abuse. The result of those years of being afraid of rapture was hypervigilence and panic attacks. Being told I had a sinful nature and my illness was a result of a fallen world caused major depression, and lack of self value. One of the unhelpful coping mechanisms I had developed over those years was “dissociation”, so we’re working on that as well and I’m learning how to stay grounded and mindful instead of “checking out”.
@GodsNotReal_ : What are the specific concerns you have with being "partially out" as an ex-Christian?
@ExxtianErin : Early in my deconstruction I saw how much me losing my faith was affecting my loved ones. I had only been open with a few people about my doubts and their reactions were a mix of defensiveness, shock, and worry for my eternal salvation. I think my anger and frustrations of being raised to believe certain things uncritically was coming out in a very non-productive way, so I realized that I needed a better outlet for my frustrations (mainly twitter!) My close friends and Husband know where I am at, and they know they ask me questions. The concerns I have about being completely out as an atheist are closely related to my fear of being ostracized; not literally (thankfully) in my case. Emotional and relational separation is what holds me back. I worry that my very charismatic family will be convinced that I am “deceived by Satan” and will not see me as a person but focus on what they would call “spiritual warfare”. I had expressed my doubts to my Mom once years ago and it really broke her heart. She is so sad as she expressed her desire to have her family be in heaven with her. I’m still not sure if or when I’ll tell her, I really don’t want to cause her pain. We still have a great relationship apart from religion and that’s what I value.
@GodsNotReal_ : Are there any redeeming qualities of your previous church?
@ExxtianErin : The non-denominational church I was attending; yes. The Pentecostal church I grew up in, no. The non-denominational church had a lot of humanistic programs that actually had very little to do with faith. I would say that a lot of their sermons too were also geared towards well-being, compassion and community support. They also did a very good job of properly educating about mental health, addiction and domestic violence. I do think they will continue to be a big part of the community for accessing support, and I think that the more progressive and humanistic they become they will continue to be relevant. The Pentecostal church I grew up in can close in my opinion. I don’t remember anything not being heavily spiritual or anti-scientific. They preached a literal translation of the bible, faith healing rather than professional health care, biblical marriage and submission of women, and pushed abstinence as the only form of safe sex and were anti-LGBTQ+. Thankfully they seem to continue seeing heir numbers drop as people move to more progressive denominations or leave the faith entirely.
@GodsNotReal_ : How do/will you talk about religion when it comes up with your kids?
@ExxtianErin : This has been an interesting challenge for me. I have two young kids, an 8 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. My daughter has had quite a bit of exposure to Christianity. She had been in a christian preschool, attended VBS (Vacation Bible School) and Sunday school. I had decided before I had kids that I did not think it was not ethical to teach a child about the rapture, or hell so thankfully she has not been taught about that at all. I think I am very fortunate that my deconstruction happened around the same time that she really started asking hard questions. In fact, one of her questions triggered my own questioning. I think it was something like “How does Jesus make people? Is it sort of like magic?” She is a very curious little girl and she loves knowing how things work, so it’s actually been a lot of fun discovering things WITH her. I knew the basics of evolution but its been really fun finding cool videos and books that teach her about it. She has asked me a few questions about why Grandma believes in Adam and Eve if it’s not true. I’ve chosen to explain to her that stories are a big part of how humans relate what’s important to them. I’ve also been teaching her age appropriate things like how to think critically. How do we decide whether something is true or not? Does this make sense? Why do you think so-and-so said that? I find asking questions is the best way to help her learn how to think. I’ve also taken the opportunity of living is a culturally diverse region to reflect on the many different beliefs systems that people have from around the world. I plan to teach my son the same things about science, and how to think critically. I think that these skills will empower them whenever they are exposed to different ideologies.
@GodsNotReal_ : What's the one thing that has been the hardest since you left Christianity?
@ExxtianErin : One of the hardest things since leaving Christianity has been wrestling with my anger, and yet needing to keep it secret because I don’t want to upset my family. I think that is a big reason I have not come out to them right yet. I am working on those feelings of being lied to, and having my self-view so affected by what I was taught. I want to be able to live authentically at all times, but I also need to be ready for the backlash, and I know anger won’t help me have productive conversations.
@GodsNotReal_ : In what ways has your life improved since you left Christianity?
@ExxtianErin : In so many ways! I think I am more patient, and empathetic towards other people and I am less judgemental. I appreciate my life more and am able to be mindful. I feel like I am a better Mom now. I feel hopeful about the future rather than dreading the rapture. My self-esteem has changed completely. And I very rarely struggle with anxiety anymore!
@GodsNotReal_ : How do Christians treat you on Twitter, and what are some of the most common questions and arguments they give you?
@ExxtianErin : Most of the interactions I have with Christians on twitter are very typical, full fo vitriol and accusations. They quote bible scriptures and tell me I’m going to hell. They say that I was never a true Christian, or that I was simply raised in the wrong denomination. They say I left because I want to sin. I have had a handful of Christians ask respectful questions but that’s the exception not the rule. Overall, it seems they mostly are regurgitating common apologetics, which I find odd because I heard the same answers while I was deconstructing and didn’t find them satisfactory at all.
@GodsNotReal_ : If a close friend or family member--or even a stranger on Twitter--came to you and admitted having some serious doubts about their religion, how would you respond?
@ExxtianErin : There’s a quote somewhere that goes “Be the person you needed in the beginning”. Most people, when facing doubts, are met with empty platitudes. I would try to be a safe place for the person to talk openly about their doubts without judgement. That is what I needed in the beginning.
Follow me on Twitter: @GodsNotReal_
Like me on Facebook: God is Not Real
Follow Erin on Twitter: @ExxtianErin
God is real!
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